Being in the Peace Corps is like being on a roller coaster. The ride is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, butterflies in your stomach and moments when you feel like you are going to be sick with nervousness. There are moments when you are at an extremely high point and life is great and there are moments when you feel low and wonder what your purpose is here.
It's easy to focus on all of the positive things that have happened in my Peace Corps journey so far but it's not the full story. It's been a challenging 12 weeks full of new beginnings and unexpected challenges. It has not all been positive and there have been some very difficult moments.
During training they teach us that being in the Peace Corps comes in waves of high points and low points. For many weeks, I was feeling great and loving every opportunity. There were new foods to try, excitement about teaching English to my new students, finding my way around a new city and feeling freedom and curiosity in this unfamiliar territory.
This past week has challenged me in every way possible. It began with a series of goodbyes; first to my support group of fellow volunteers for the past 11 weeks and then to my host family in Veles. It then continued with the absence of heat in my freezing cold room (yes it's warmer outside then actually in my house because of the lack of insulation in these houses), no hot water in my showers, getting completely lost on some backroads in the dark for 30 mins and not feeling accepted in my new host family. It continued with seeing Roma children digging in the dumpsters on a daily basis during my runs, learning about the massive cat and dog poisoning happening in my town so there aren't packs of wild animals in the winter months, witnessing the beating of dogs first hand and feeling helpless and lastly realizing that Christmas is approaching back home and here, I still have a month to go before the holiday. (Macedonia follows the Orthodox calendar so Christmas is January 7).
These may seem like small things and it may seem like I am complaining but Peace Corps is not always sunshine and smiles. There are moments where I am pushed in every way possible and weeks like my past one that are full of random bursts of tears, wishing I was home with the people I love. I question my purpose here and if I will make a difference and what things I actually can change. I wonder how I can empower the Macedonians to make sustainable changes. However, it's all part of the Peace Corps journey. When applying for the Peace Corps, I knew that that I would be pushed and challenged in every way possible. Each challenge helps me grow into the person I am meant to be.
After the 3rd or 4th month mark, it's typical that honeymoon is over and the real challenges begin. I worry with only just moving to site a little over a week ago, the many new challenges I have yet to face. Christmas isn't here yet and I have never been away from home on this day and then there's the even colder months to come. I shiver at the thought of this.
Although there are many challenges still to come my way, I am thankful to have the opportunity to serve those around me, to learn about a new culture and discover the person I am meant to be. It has also made me much more appreciative of the simple things we have back home, feeling full of gratitude. I know that once returning home, I will have completed service and will look back on each challenge and see the many positive outcomes that emerged from the situations. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue on this journey of a lifetime. It will not be easy but "With God, all things are possible" Matthew 19:26. "But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior" Jeremiah 20:11.
My mom recently sent me a card that has helped me when I was having a tough moment. It is beautiful and I feel like it was written specifically for me about my Peace Corps journey:
You’re on the Journey of a Lifetime….
A journey no one lese will travel and no one else can judge ~ a path of happiness and hurt, where the challenges are great and the rewards are even greater…
You’re on a journey where each experience will teach you something valuable and you can’t get lost, for you already know the way by heart.
You’re on a journey that is universal yet uniquely personal, and profound yet astonishing simple - where sometimes you will stumble and other times will soar. You’ll learn that even at your darkest point, you can find a light – if you look for it. At the most difficult crossroad, you’ll have an answer – if you listen for it. Friends and family will accompany you part of the way, and you’ll walk the rest by yourself… but you will never be alone.
Travel at your own pace. There’ll be a time enough to learn all you need to know and go as far as you’re meant to go. Travel light. Letting go of extra baggage will keep your arms open and your heart free to fully embrace the gifts of the moment.
You may not always know exactly where you’re headed, but if you follow the desires of your heart, the integrity of your conscience, and the wisdom of your soul… then each step will lead you to discover more of who you really are, and it will be a step in the right direction on the journey of a lifetime.
~ Paula Finn
As St. Pope John Paul II said "God can use our weaknesses as easily as our strength in order to accomplish His will."
Hey Paige, thanks for sharing all your thoughts. I can definitely relate to some of what you're going through, so know you're not alone. As recent college graduates, you and I can relate on more things, especially not being away from home for the holidays. It'll be very strange having to work on our Christmas and not having our closest loved ones nearby. Know that your fellow volunteers (myself included) are only a phone call or facebook message away-when we came to Macedonia, we knew that part of the experience would be supporting those around us. So, you're fellow volunteers are behind you 100%! Keep doing what you're doing and we're gonna be okay!! (:
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